Thursday, 2 February 2017

My Ink





Staring down at the blank sheet
My shaky fingers hold tight the body of my ink
And unlike rocking a baby to sleep
I roll it back and forth
Nudging every corner only to wake it up
So it can scribble down the words that are shattered in my head.


Be still it whispers
And just hold me close
For I will write everything you want me to.
I will paint this brown sheet with all of your thoughts
And as your heart beats with every single word I lay down
I will spill again till you can no longer breathe fear
And release the breath you have held in for years
Like you used to.


Only then will I be content
And then I can leave with a dot behind my last letter
till you are ready to pick me up again.

Tuesday, 10 January 2017

Can I Surrender to you, Love?







Can I surrender to you Love…
Can I let you sweep me off my feet and take me with you to that place that’s safe and warm
Can I let you show me what I deserve and all that you have for me that’s sweet and never sour

Can I surrender to you Love…
Can I let you fill me up completely that I’m hungry for no other
Can I let you tell me that you’re all I’ll ever need and all I’ll have when there is nothing left

Can I surrender to you Love…
Can I show you all of me and trust you with all I am
Can I tell you how I feel and have you not throw that back in my face

Can I surrender to you Love...
Can I let you awaken my soul and bring me peace
Can I let you show me that it's okay to be imperfect

I’m afraid I can’t Love…
Not again.

Wednesday, 28 December 2016

For the ones who care and are cared for..



Heyyy! It's the Christmas Season y'all!! The new year is so close, i can feel it. 

There are resolutions to still make, yes, and there is another chance for better! A lot of people are confident about 2017. That if they could make it through this crazy year, they'll make it through next year, and hopefully better. There is probably no chance that 2017 isn't going to be tough, but hey we are still in this to survive, we will make it through, but only by the grace of God 👌👌

You know how I frequently write about Hope. What we hope to get, all we hope to do. Everything we hope for and more, and encouraging you not to lose it.

Sometimes I lose hope myself. To come to terms with what’s not there anymore, or what has never been, and trying to understand that it’s for some reason that I can’t even tell. 

But then again we are humans, aren't we? And because we are, it is bound to happen. Circumstances, situations will make it happen and bend our knees in surrender, or in prayer to fight back.

It’s a good thing there are people who remind us of that hope we let die inside of us. The reason(s) for that hope in the first place. But some of the most important people in our lives see us sometimes but don’t see us, and that makes me afraid. Because you realize you don’t know how well you can make it that easy for them to see you clearly when they are not even paying any attention.

We see clearly what we want, but our vision blurs while we take a step forward pushing us two steps backwards. Then I ask, when will it happen? When will it change? Because that is what I dearly hope for. A change in everything. For the better of course.

We still hope, because sometimes that’s all we have left.

Don't let the waves wash away your hopes dearest.


I know what i want to achieve next year, do you?

I hope so..

Happy holidays!!! 💕💕💕

Wednesday, 21 December 2016

Look!


Breathe me in.
Take me deep in.
Creep up on me like there are no waves beneath. 
Peel every part of me that I haven't shed
And spill all over me and on this bed.

I'm suffocating now underneath. 
I can't breathe.
You've taken me in too deep.
Please release me.

Set my soul free completely. 
I loved you too much
But there was no need for such. 
Now look where that got me, lonely.


Wednesday, 14 December 2016

The Insecurities That Make You A Prisoner



 


I had a conversation with someone new recently and I was distracted by the feeling of self awareness. An awareness of being able to relate with such that it was so disturbing, but at the same time, eye opening. It had me thinking. It had me trying to understand my actions, and later on, as I studied more about it,  I got a clearer perception of why I do what I do. 

There are some states who take elections more seriously than others. Some people who put their lives on the line for a “meager” amount of money. Now, I can’t say I have been ignorant of this fact, but I will say I have, based on how deeper than I thought this fact really was. 

Students are used as scapegoats, or no, not scapegoats, lambs! Lambs that are led by their evil shepherd to slaughter without care or remorse. These students are given the tools to campaign or whatever, for the aspiring governors. When I heard ‘tools’ my mind honestly went on, cash, flyers, and any other campaign material you could think of, so imagine my surprise when he said those tools were guns.

So what? They send these students out to kill, that they end up killing themselves, for how much? And that’s the end. Nothing else happens after that.

It begs the question, What? 

What are we doing with our lives? What is our mentality about life? How important do we know we are in this world, that we settle, and keep settling.

It’s not just about killing yourself in the physical, we die slowly within, while drowning in our own painful thoughts, and why’s that? We are so insecure, that's what.

The choices we make as adults usually are a reflection of the morals, values, and principles we were raised on as children.

How do you see yourself now? How much credit do you give you? That you settle for a lot less because you feel you can’t get any better than this, and sometimes it’s worse, you feel you shouldn’t. You kill yourself slowly with these hurtful and negative thoughts that make you less of who you really are.

I have my doubts, no doubt. I have my insecurities. Yours may not even be as strong as mine, but now, I am aware of my insecurities, I am aware that the insecurities I have is because of my low compassion of self which doesn't give me that much confidence. I know I am not perfect, but my self-esteem secretly wants me to be, and I am aware of that. 

Having a good sense of self esteem is awesome. It means you are confident in your own worth and abilities. It means you have self respect, but self-esteem increases your insecurities, that’s why it’s safer to have self compassion first, because with self compassion comes kindness. Self esteem still focuses on evaluation and performance. It is a judgement of oneself as well as an attitude toward the self. Self compassion encourages an attitude of kindness and patience. Self esteem can increase our levels of insecurity, where self-compassion asks us to slow down and assign ourselves value for simply being human.
  
Insecurities can leave us feeling rejected and unworthy, and self hating thoughts encourage us to engage in self destructive behaviors. If you have a sense of where your insecurities come from and the influence it has on your life, you can begin to challenge it. 

With change comes anxiety, no doubt. These defenses and inner critic have been with you your whole life, so they won’t be easy to challenge. Your insecurities aren’t likely to vanish overnight, but they will eventually, slowly, through perseverance. They will start to weaken.

Once you realize our own strength and importance, once you see the ways you’ve been hurt and can feel for yourself on a deep level, you can actually start to break free of the chains that hold you back. You can shed the insecurities of your past and become the person you want to be. You can be confident, and love yourself the way you should. You would see clearly, your worth.

Wednesday, 7 December 2016

In 3 Weeks..



In 3 weeks I doubted, I worried, I panicked.
In 3 weeks I sought advice on what to do about them.
In 3 weeks I met, I flirted.
In 3 weeks I let.

In 3 weeks I fought, I cried.
In 3 weeks I blamed myself.
In 3 weeks I became numb and mad at the world, but mostly, myself.
In 3 weeks I wasn't familiar with who I was.
In 3 weeks I irritated myself. 

In 3 weeks I found again.
In 3 weeks I was happy.
In 3 weeks I told the truth, and claimed my mistakes.
In 3 weeks I lost.

Thursday, 1 December 2016

I Promise






It’s a new month, and I’m not even particularly excited about how close it is to Christmas. I’m just glad because it falls into place with my new resolution to change. 

Each time I pray, I ask God to make me a better person, a better friend, a better daughter, a better sister.

Not so long ago, for a long while, I fell, and I kept falling knowing how bad it was, but somehow I couldn’t get myself out. I didn’t believe I had the strength to do it. So I stayed there and kept making the worst decisions I could ever make.

I didn’t believe I could stand up. Maybe I knew I could but I just got comfortable with staying that way. That’s how less I thought of myself, and I accepted it.

They say you never know who your real friends are till you are down and in need of help. My friends were there the best ways they could be. All of whom I love so dearly and appreciate.

When a person commits sin and asks God for forgiveness, God forgives, but that person still has to be punished for those sins committed.

Out of all my friends, no one took my heart the way this one did. This friend took everything. This friend was my peace, my joy, my satisfaction, my strength. I fell deeply for this one. But the punishment for the mistakes I made was to throw everything away without realizing I did. Losing this friend was my punishment, a very painful one. But it’s something I deserve.

What are you doing right now? Is your heart at peace with what it is? Is your soul calm and not disturbed by it? Whatever it is, no matter how small or how big, get away from it. It may be too small now but you never know how big it’ll become and how much of yourself you'll lose.

It’s not worth it. None of them are. So get out of it, stop it.

You can do it.

Don’t wait for a new year to begin before you make resolutions to change. Do it now love. Start right this minute before it becomes too late and you miss something you shouldn’t have. Something you don’t want to miss.

If ever you feel you have no one there for you to listen, to guide, to help you, I’m here, and I promise to always be. 

Send me an email via egozthoughts@gmail.com let us both help you my love.

Sometimes we learn lessons from the mistakes we make, the easy way, sometimes we learn the hard way. Either way, we learn what we are supposed to.

I look forward to hearing from you✌✌

Egozthoughts in Colour

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